An Early Morning Suprise

So what happens when your five-year-old plays with the temperature dial in your refrigerator and leaves it on the coldest setting?

At breakfast when I crack an egg, nothing comes out.

At lunch my salad is covered with ice and my cherry tomatoes are as hard as rocks.

At dinner... we eat out.

I love dreams

I dream almost every night. And they are so vivid. It's almost like entering another world. Some people have told me they don't dream when the sleep, or at least can never remember them if they do. I feel sorry for these people because I know what they are missing.

If I wake up in the morning and go right back to sleep, I can usually pick up my dream where I left off. When this happens I have more control in the dream. I basically can direct it like a movie. This is called lucid dreaming and it's the best.

That being said, I had a hilarious dream last night. I won't share all of the nonsensical stuff but here's the gist of it. I went back to college with my wife and we both moved back into a small dorm room. It was funny because we tried to decorate this little room like a home, all 10ft x 10ft of it.

But here's the kicker. We had to share the room with two other girls! So in one dorm room there was I, my wife, and two girls! We each had our own twin beds, my wife and I shared one side of the room while the two girls shared the other. As this new arrangement was sinking in, I began to wonder...

NOT, how am I going to make love to my wife when there are two other girls in the room?

NOT, how are we going to get dressed in front of each other?

No, my big question was, how am I going to pass gas around these girls I barely even know? I know I'm going to have to fart sometime. This is a small room! I could stink up the whole thing.

Thankfully, as panic was setting in, I woke up not having see how it would turn out. Disaster avoided.

Here's my new roommates

Sleep Walking Child

Around 11:30pm last night I heard the kid's bedroom door open and then some mumbling. I quickly realize it was my 5 year old son Austin and he's probably sleep walking.

So I get up off the couch to help him back to bed and for some reason he's heading towards the kitchen. Before I can stop him, he opens up the door under the kitchen sink, pulls down his pants, and pees on the side of the kitchen garbage can.

I don't know why, but I thought it was hilarious and started dying laughing. I said "What are you doing bud?" And he kind of woke up and realized what was going on and he started laughing too.

It's obvious that he had to go to the bathroom but he was too tired find it. What's really funny is that he had to pass the bathroom to get to the kitchen!

The Secret Language of Hairdressers Explained

Errors in communication between my hairdresser and me in the form of "what i said and what he heard".  by Jez Burrows

said: Just a little off the length, and a little thinned out.
heard: Could you make me look like a clown’s apprentice?

said: A little shorter, thanks.
heard: I want the style that would emerge if you combined all three of Charlie’s Angels.

said: Just the usual — little shorter and thinner.
heard: You know when you have a bubble bath and you shape the bubbles all around your head? I want it like that.

said: If you could take some of the width off, that’d be great.
heard: If you could make it hard for me to appear in public, that’d be great.

said: Of course it isn’t okay — you’ve disfigured me beyond repair. I look like a mushroom.
heard: That’s perfect. Take my money.

The Bizarre Behavior of 5 Year Olds.

Everyday at 1pm my two kids have a quiet time. Carter, my 1 and a half year old, goes to his crib and Austin, my 5 year old, goes to my bedroom. The rule is, they have to stay in bed for one hour. They don't have to sleep if they don't want to, but they do have to stay in bed for that one hour. Most of the time they fall asleep during this time, but not always. Sometimes Austin will start rummaging around our room and get into things he shouldn't.

So the other day after hearing some noise in my room, I went in to discover this. My son was wearing one of my hats, a pair of my wool socks pulled up to his knees, and my underwear!

After dying laughing,I quickly got him back in his own clothes. This is not a good look for him.

Is it illegal to punch a teenager?

I had the weirdest experience happen to me yesterday. On my way to the DMV to renew my tags, a red car pulled up beside me with two male teenagers in it. I looked to my left and the kid on the passenger side is mouthing the words, "F_ _ K You." Again and again, "F_ _K You." I thought, did I cut this guy off or something? But I didn't think so. In fact, he wasn't ever in my lane. So I mouthed the words back "why?" And with a smile he flipped me off.

So we eventually end up at a stop light and I'm very curious at this time to why this guy is cursing me as we drive down the road, so I roll down the window, look him straight in the eye and ask politely, "Why are saying that?" His reply, "Your car makes you look like a Sh_t-head." His friend, the driver, just shook his head like his friend was an idiot. I couldn't agree more.

At this time, I wanted so badly to get out of my car, walk over to his window, grab him by the shirt and punch him in his mouth. Not because he insulted my car (I'm not embarrassed by what I drive-a 96 Saturn SL1). I wanted to punch him in his mouth because of his arrogance, because of his rude crassness to a complete stranger. What if I was driving home after a doctor's appointment where I was just told that I have terminal cancer? Then I had to deal with this punk spewing his evil at me. This guy didn't know me from Adam and he was verbally assaulting me.

His actions were just so insensitive!

 And for that, I wish I had punched him in the mouth.

Coffee: My Wonder Drug.

Well, it's official!  I've become a coffee drinker. 

I've resisted for a long time but I absolutely need it now.  It seems like I can't read a book without falling asleep.  Reading seems to be the true test of tiredness.  T.V. can keep you artificially awake for hours.  Not so with reading.  If you're tired when you sit down to read, you'll be asleep in minutes. 

Coffee gives me the needed jolt I need to make it through the day, reading to my hearts content.   

And I'm pretty amazed at the miracle of the coffee maker. This machine in my kitchen takes cold water and somehow makes it piping hot in less than 2 minutes, pushing it through coffee grounds, giving me a delicious cup of coffee!  I then add some creamer and suddenly I'm a Barista!

Unfortunately because of the simplicity, I end up drinking too much and I spend the rest of the day shaky and peeing every 5 minutes.  But it's a small price to pay for being awake alert. 

Pet Peave

Does this bother anyone else? I can not stand the sound of someone else eating while I'm not eating. If we're both eating, I'm fine. But if I'm not and I have to listen to every chew, swallow, and smack of their lips, it's like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Take this morning for instance. I was minding my own business, using my laptop to catch up on some blogs at my kitchen table. Then my wife sits down at the table to eat a bowl of cereal. At first I didn't notice it because I was engrossed in what I was reading. But then without warning I could hear everything. It was like I was sitting across from a cow chewing its cud (smack, smack, smack). It was so loud and disturbing to my ears that I almost had to leave the table or make some smart aleck comment like, "Wow, that sure SOUNDS good."

But thankfully, I didn't do either of these things. I know that the problem is mine. I blame it on big ears. So I just grinned and beared it.

Most Annoying Reality TV Device.

Let me just say up front that I love reality TV. Especially Survivor, The Amazing Race, The Biggest Loser, American Idol and The Apprentice. These I consider to be the top echelon of Reality television. I'm currently watching "Armed & Famous" and it is strong as well. Time will only tell if it becomes a classic.

I've also been known to dip into the lower regions of Reality Television, occasionally catching an episode of Hogan Knows Best, Flava of Love, America's Next Top Model, and The Surreal Life, and it is typically in these shows that you find the most annoying Reality TV device known to man. It is called "the awkward pause".

Now don't get me wrong. I find the awkward pause as hilarious as the next guy. My problem is with the "manufactured" awkward pause. This is where they edit the scene adding filler video to stretch the pause out and make it last for what seems like eternity with the characters making weird faces at each other, (only they actually made these faces some other time and were spliced back into the scene)

Unfortunately, it's incredibly lame! I suppose it was funny the first time. But man, every episode now has to include the manufactured awkward pause! How dumb do they think we are? Like we are supposed to believe that these characters are always saying something soooo outrageous that everyone has to stop and stare at them for 15 seconds. It's during these times that I want to shoot my television.

C'mon reality television, you can do better that that.

File this under: That's why I tell you not to touch things.

Our family went to the store recently to purchase some new pots and pans. The ones we had were about 10 years old. Most of them are from when we first got married.

Now, if you have kids you know how chaotic it can be taking your children to the store. I find myself passing on the sage old advice that my father passed down to me when I was a child, "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!"

And I usually have to say it in different ways like:

"QUIT TOUCHING THAT!" or "IF YOU BREAK THAT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BUY IT!"

If you are a parent, you also know that these three phrases are pitched tonally in such a way that they will not enter a child's ear canal, so the message never actually gets heard.

Now that being said, as my wife and I were carefully looking at the sets of pots and pans we heard our oldest child, Austin, start to cry like he's stuck in a bear trap. A cry that says, ouch and I'm afraid.

Ignoring my admonishments, he got his finger stuck in the handle of a frying pan! So I did what any caring compassionate father would do... I took pictures of it. Enjoy!

P.S. We did not have enough money to purchase this additional pan, so we now have it on layaway and we should be able to get our child back by Christmas of this year.

Joker, Smoker, or Midnight Toker?

Yesterday I went to dinner at Panera Bread. After I got my food, I dropped it off at what looked like a comfortable booth for some eating and reading, and then headed to the bathroom to relieve myself before I ate.

In the bathroom their was one stand up urinal and one stall, side by side. I was peeing at the stand up urinal when I smelled the distinct scent of marijuana coming from the stall. I know this smell well because, well, let's just say, I know someone who uses it.

Then I heard some movement coming from the stall. It sounded like someone in heavy winter coat handling a plastic bag. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone is in the stall smoking a doobie.

Who does this at a restaruant at 4:30 in the evening? Was it one of the workers at Panera Bread? They have that sort of earthy, back to nature attitude, what with their fresh baked breads and all. Maybe this is what all the workers do during their breaks? What would this mean for my food? Maybe those green broccoli bits in my soup aren't broccoli at all, but ground up cannabis? Did I inadvertently order the "magic" broccoli cheddar soup!

Luckily my booth was close enough to the restrooms to have a clear view of the individual whenever he exited the restroom. After what seemed like forever, someone finally emerged. And it was...

A teenager in a big winter coat with a glazed over look in his eyes (not an employee). So needless to say I wouldn't be getting stoned tonight.

The Tale of Two Haircuts

I hate going to get my haircut. Every time I go I get a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It says I may be leaving this place looking like a complete idiot. I don't understand why it's so hard to get a good haircut today. I've tried Great Clips and they screwed up my hair. I've tried Sports Clips (the place with T.V.'s everywhere playing sports and stylists dressed as referees) and they jacked up my hair.

"I don't care if I get my haircut in a pink room with the stereo blasting Barry Manilow's greatest hits, I just want to look better going out then when I came in."

So today I tried Fantastic Sams. I knew I was in for some problems when I saw three hairstylists, two dressed very hip and trendy, and one that looked like the spokesmodel for Wicca and Fairy Digest. Guess which stylist I got? Yeah, the warlock Goddess with a tattoo on her lower back that spanned the width of her love handles. Now I'm not saying any of this makes her a bad stylist. I just wasn't sure if she was going to be the one to give me the haircut I desired.

Unfortunately, my instincts were correct. First of all, her hands were shaking the whole time she was cutting my hair. I think she needed a cigarette break. And she looked more puzzled than confident as she cut my hair. Not a good sign. And where has barber shop etiquette gone? I thought stylists were supposed to hand you a mirror when they're done, spin you around so you can see your hair at different angles, and ask you how you like it? When this girl was finished, she just dusted me off and removed my hair cloth, sending me on my way. Maybe she didn't want me to see my hair from all sides. Below is the damage.

Unfortunately I was getting this haircut because I'm starting a new job on Monday and I wanted to look fresh, clean and ready for business casual. I called my friend Jeremy to tell him my dilemma and he laughed at me for going to Fantastic Sams. "Their known for screwing up people's hair," was his quote. Then he told me that he goes to this place called the Hair Saloon. He said it was professional and he loved it. You pay a little more, $20. But most importantly you leave looking GOOD, and not like you're auditioning for Dumb and Dumber.

"So to the Hair Saloon I went, hoping against hope they could fix my hair. Here is that experience."

When, I entered they offered me a free bottled beverage; Pepsi, Coke, they even had O'Doul's non-alcoholic beer. I tried an O'Doul's. My stylist, Bobbie, was confident she could fix my hair. She handled the clippers with style and grace. It was beautiful. I never ONCE had an uneasy feeling in my stomach. She was a pro. When she was done, she made sure I liked it. Then she added just the right amount of product, and styled it perfectly. Then, get this, she offered me a hot towel for my face. It felt wonderful. And it had a light smell of spearmint. I was then given a coupon for a complimentary scalp massage for my next visit. If Fantastic Sams was Hell, this place was Heaven. I will definitely be back. Thanks Hair Saloon for saving my hair!

COSTUME SHOPPING

I don't know when I changed but I just don't get jazzed about Halloween any more. Now as a child, Halloween was hands-down the greatest Holiday only second to Christmas. My parents used to make us (my other brothers and sisters) put all of our candy in a big tupperware bowl. Then my mother would carefully disperse these goodies for what seemed like months. Yes, Halloween was good. Dressing up was also fun, but for some reason this just doesn't resonate with me anymore. Maybe it's because costumes are so expensive these days. I don't want to spend forty bucks to look like Captain Jack Sparrow for one night. And the kids costumes are not much cheaper themselves. At the same time though, I don't want my kids to look like I couldn't get them a good costume, i.e. dressing them up like hobo's or clowns (classic cheap costumes). So at this point, I'm not sure what my kids will be for Halloween this year... maybe Frankenstein?

The Scariest Movie That Still Affects Me Now.

I guess Halloween is almost here, at least that's the not-so-subtle cue I'm getting from Wal-Mart. They already have aisles stocked with Halloween Candy, Halloween decorations on the end-caps, and Halloween masks and costumes for sale. It's the time of year for all things scary and all of this is an unpleasant reminder of the scariest movie I ever saw as a child, Friday the 13th.

Why in the world did my parents ever let me see this movie!!!!

The whole premise of a psycho killer coming out of a murky lake to kill people, forever ruined my ability to go swimming in water where I cannot see the bottom. I know it's just a movie, but in my childhood subconsciousness, Jason may still be down there.

***A close second would be the movie "Halloween". I couldn't listen to the song, "Mr. Sandman", for years without getting creeped out.

What movie traumatized you as a child?

Freaky Tiki

Today my four year old son freaked me and his mother out! One of the activities he enjoys doing on the computer is looking at family pictures we have stored on Picasa (a google software program that stores and edits photos). It's kind of funny how much of a kick he gets out of it. He especially likes looking at all of the goofy faces he's made over the years. He often laughs out loud at his lunacy. So needless to say, he knows how to scroll around and look at pictures on Picasa.

Well, my wife was on Picasa and looking for the pictures we had uploaded from last month. There were a couple of pictures she especially wanted to find and see how they turned out. She found one of them and noticed that it was a great picture except for the red eyes on our youngest son. So she started to go to the edit function to remove the red eyes when my four year son says...

SON- "No mom let me do it!" (in an almost bossy tone)

ME- "What are you talking about?"

SON- "Here give me the mouse."

WIFE "How would he know how to do that?" (my wife and I looking at each other eerily)

ME- "I have no idea. I didn't teach him."

He then proceeds to go directly to where the redeye remove function is. Selects it. Then uses the mouse to outline the eyes (not an easy task, mind you, for a small four year olds shaky hands). Clicks "apply" and it's done. (cue theme song from the Twilight zOne)

O.K. So here is what I'm thinking. Either (a) my son is an idiot savant (b) he's taking computer night classes at the local community college when the rest of the family is sleeping or (c) he's the next Steve Jobs or Bill Gates (Please Lord let it be choice C!)