"As far as I'm concerned, a dip in the pool counts as my shower for the day."
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
True Colors
Yesterday, driving home from the coffee shop, I heard the song "True Colors" by Cindi Lauper on the radio. Instantly I was transported back to elementary school when this song was popular.
You see, in the 5th grade there was a blind girl who was fully integrated into our class. She did everything we did, only instead of pen and paper she had a special typewriter that typed braille. And instead of books, she had thick stock paper with raised dots all over them organized into folders. I was astonished that she could make sense out of any of it.
What this has to do with Cindi Lauper is that this blind girl, whose name escapes me, would on occasion sing Cindi Lauper songs to our class. I guess she was kind of famous for doing this impersonation. At first we thought this was pretty cool and interesting that this blind girl, who was only in the fifth grade, could do a pretty good impression of Cindi Lauper.
But then, when it was happening every Friday afternoon, and even one time for the whole school over the P.A. System, it started to get old. Eventually, we were rolling our eyes when she went to the front of the class to serenade us once again with "True Colors... because that's why I love you."
I say all that to say this, had it not been for hearing this song again, I wouldn't have remembered this totally funny and unique memory from my past. I wonder where that blind girl is today, if she still has strawberry blonde hair, and if she still sings for people. I hope she is doing well because I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would be to navigate this world with out sight.
In my mind, I have age progressed her to look like Bryce Howard, who played a blind girl in M. Night Shalaman's "The Village." Here's to you former classmate.
You see, in the 5th grade there was a blind girl who was fully integrated into our class. She did everything we did, only instead of pen and paper she had a special typewriter that typed braille. And instead of books, she had thick stock paper with raised dots all over them organized into folders. I was astonished that she could make sense out of any of it.
What this has to do with Cindi Lauper is that this blind girl, whose name escapes me, would on occasion sing Cindi Lauper songs to our class. I guess she was kind of famous for doing this impersonation. At first we thought this was pretty cool and interesting that this blind girl, who was only in the fifth grade, could do a pretty good impression of Cindi Lauper.
But then, when it was happening every Friday afternoon, and even one time for the whole school over the P.A. System, it started to get old. Eventually, we were rolling our eyes when she went to the front of the class to serenade us once again with "True Colors... because that's why I love you."
I say all that to say this, had it not been for hearing this song again, I wouldn't have remembered this totally funny and unique memory from my past. I wonder where that blind girl is today, if she still has strawberry blonde hair, and if she still sings for people. I hope she is doing well because I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would be to navigate this world with out sight.
In my mind, I have age progressed her to look like Bryce Howard, who played a blind girl in M. Night Shalaman's "The Village." Here's to you former classmate.
Have You Ever Noticed?
After going to the pool for the first time this season I have concluded the following:
Fat on the human body looks better when it's tanned.
Black Olives would like to speak with you
"Listen. I know you love eating me during the Holidays, but is that all I'm good for to you? Don't you realize that I'm delicious 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Plus, I'm inexpensive and easy to serve. Just open a can of me with a can-opener, drain the water, and dump me in bowl. And kids love me, too. So what are you waiting for? Go buy me at the grocery store today and have me for snack tonight. I'm black olives for heaven's sake!"
Inspired by a made up conversation in my head after eating olives recently.
How To Get To Know Yourself
Try this scientifically proven exercise to gain insight into who you are.
Step one: Google your name followed by the words likes to in quotation marks. (ex: "John likes to")
Step two: Record the ten most interesting findings on your blog.
Here's an assessment of myself.
#1 John likes to play dressup!
#2 Tomorrow's memories, painted today is how John likes to describe acrylic paintings
#3 music is difficult to categorize, John likes to classify it as simply guitar music
#4 john likes to believe that he is both funny and engaging,
#5 Then they found that John likes to partake in marijuana, as they found a small ...
#6 John likes to wear his giraffe slippers, but they are getting holes worn in the ...
#7 John likes to articulate our defleshed bones.
#8 John likes to analyze every aspect of softball, including his "chopping" method
#9 ...As John likes to point out, "The government insists my writing must, by definition, be fiction!
#10 ...John likes to drink coffee and is instantly recognized in restaurants everywhere ...
(ht to EE)
Step one: Google your name followed by the words likes to in quotation marks. (ex: "John likes to")
Step two: Record the ten most interesting findings on your blog.
Here's an assessment of myself.
#1 John likes to play dressup!
#2 Tomorrow's memories, painted today is how John likes to describe acrylic paintings
#3 music is difficult to categorize, John likes to classify it as simply guitar music
#4 john likes to believe that he is both funny and engaging,
#5 Then they found that John likes to partake in marijuana, as they found a small ...
#6 John likes to wear his giraffe slippers, but they are getting holes worn in the ...
#7 John likes to articulate our defleshed bones.
#8 John likes to analyze every aspect of softball, including his "chopping" method
#9 ...As John likes to point out, "The government insists my writing must, by definition, be fiction!
#10 ...John likes to drink coffee and is instantly recognized in restaurants everywhere ...
(ht to EE)
I'm Going To Start A Secret Society!
Tonight in my class, Social & Cultural Foundations, we watched a video on "Secret Societies". It was recorded from the History Channel show History's Mysteries. It was pretty entertaining and full of conspiracy theories. They highlighted secret societies such as the Freemasons, Heildelbergs, Illuminati, and Skull & Bones. The main premise was that these secret societies control the whole world.
So after little thought, I've decided that I'm going to start my own secret society. If I don't talk to you about it later, you are not in it. If you ask me about it later, I will deny it.
Yes there will be secret handshakes, and funny costumes. I'm toying around with the idea of all members wearing a kilt and an eye patch over their left eye (the evil eye) during our meetings.
The purpose of the group is to bring about world domination. Our first order of business...
The systematic removal of all clowns from the face of the earth.
So after little thought, I've decided that I'm going to start my own secret society. If I don't talk to you about it later, you are not in it. If you ask me about it later, I will deny it.
Yes there will be secret handshakes, and funny costumes. I'm toying around with the idea of all members wearing a kilt and an eye patch over their left eye (the evil eye) during our meetings.
The purpose of the group is to bring about world domination. Our first order of business...
The systematic removal of all clowns from the face of the earth.
An Early Morning Suprise
So what happens when your five-year-old plays with the temperature dial in your refrigerator and leaves it on the coldest setting?
At breakfast when I crack an egg, nothing comes out.
At lunch my salad is covered with ice and my cherry tomatoes are as hard as rocks.
At dinner... we eat out.
At breakfast when I crack an egg, nothing comes out.
At lunch my salad is covered with ice and my cherry tomatoes are as hard as rocks.
At dinner... we eat out.
And the Oscar goes to...
Last night at the store I someone buying "Artificial Tears." Appalled, I wanted to tell them that if you are going to cry for someone, make them real tears!
I'm So Excited!
On the way to work the other day I heard the song "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters. In an instant I was transported back to the summer of 1984. It was the summer of the Olympics and Mary Lou Retton would make history becoming the first American woman ever to win a gold medal in gymnastics. With her perfect 10's she captured the imagination of Americans everywhere... but more importantly she stole my heart.I vividly remember watching a video montage of her exploits set to the song "I'm so excited." I was glued to the set, my heart fluttering as only a 10 year old's heart can. I was in love. With my heart aching I wondered how was I ever going to make contact with my Mary Lou, and would she reciprocate my love? I was crushing hard.
Well, it never worked out for me and Miss Retton but in a sick twist of fate I would end up graduating from Northland Christian High School in Houston, TX, the ALMA MATER OF MARY LOU RETTON!!! Unfortunately she graduated many years before me. I did however go to school with Kerry Strug another Olympic Gold Medalist. We even sat together a couple of times in the cafeteria. But she could never fill that hole in my heart left by Mary Lou.
Well, that was my childhood crush on someone famous. Who was yours?
I love dreams
I dream almost every night. And they are so vivid. It's almost like entering another world. Some people have told me they don't dream when the sleep, or at least can never remember them if they do. I feel sorry for these people because I know what they are missing.
If I wake up in the morning and go right back to sleep, I can usually pick up my dream where I left off. When this happens I have more control in the dream. I basically can direct it like a movie. This is called lucid dreaming and it's the best.
That being said, I had a hilarious dream last night. I won't share all of the nonsensical stuff but here's the gist of it. I went back to college with my wife and we both moved back into a small dorm room. It was funny because we tried to decorate this little room like a home, all 10ft x 10ft of it.
But here's the kicker. We had to share the room with two other girls! So in one dorm room there was I, my wife, and two girls! We each had our own twin beds, my wife and I shared one side of the room while the two girls shared the other. As this new arrangement was sinking in, I began to wonder...
NOT, how am I going to make love to my wife when there are two other girls in the room?
NOT, how are we going to get dressed in front of each other?
No, my big question was, how am I going to pass gas around these girls I barely even know? I know I'm going to have to fart sometime. This is a small room! I could stink up the whole thing.
Thankfully, as panic was setting in, I woke up not having see how it would turn out. Disaster avoided.
If I wake up in the morning and go right back to sleep, I can usually pick up my dream where I left off. When this happens I have more control in the dream. I basically can direct it like a movie. This is called lucid dreaming and it's the best.
That being said, I had a hilarious dream last night. I won't share all of the nonsensical stuff but here's the gist of it. I went back to college with my wife and we both moved back into a small dorm room. It was funny because we tried to decorate this little room like a home, all 10ft x 10ft of it.
But here's the kicker. We had to share the room with two other girls! So in one dorm room there was I, my wife, and two girls! We each had our own twin beds, my wife and I shared one side of the room while the two girls shared the other. As this new arrangement was sinking in, I began to wonder...
NOT, how am I going to make love to my wife when there are two other girls in the room?
NOT, how are we going to get dressed in front of each other?
No, my big question was, how am I going to pass gas around these girls I barely even know? I know I'm going to have to fart sometime. This is a small room! I could stink up the whole thing.
Thankfully, as panic was setting in, I woke up not having see how it would turn out. Disaster avoided.
Here's my new roommates
I Have A Confession To Make
I don't know when it happened or how it happened... but I am now a "nose-breather". That's right, I like to breathe through my nose. I swore that I would never be one of those people. You know, the kind that stand right next to you, taking big sweeping breaths through their honker; the air whistling as it goes in an out.Yeah, that's me, now. And I actually enjoy it. Maybe it's because it forces me to slow down when I breathe. There is no way to do it except slow. It's very therapeutic.
I know it's loud, but I can't help it. I know I've crossed over to the dark side.
But at least I'm in good company.
Sleep Walking Child
Around 11:30pm last night I heard the kid's bedroom door open and then some mumbling. I quickly realize it was my 5 year old son Austin and he's probably sleep walking.
So I get up off the couch to help him back to bed and for some reason he's heading towards the kitchen. Before I can stop him, he opens up the door under the kitchen sink, pulls down his pants, and pees on the side of the kitchen garbage can.
I don't know why, but I thought it was hilarious and started dying laughing. I said "What are you doing bud?" And he kind of woke up and realized what was going on and he started laughing too.
It's obvious that he had to go to the bathroom but he was too tired find it. What's really funny is that he had to pass the bathroom to get to the kitchen!
The Secret Language of Hairdressers Explained
Errors in communication between my hairdresser and me in the form of "what i said and what he heard". by Jez Burrows
said: Just a little off the length, and a little thinned out.
heard: Could you make me look like a clown’s apprentice?
said: A little shorter, thanks.
heard: I want the style that would emerge if you combined all three of Charlie’s Angels.
said: Just the usual — little shorter and thinner.
heard: You know when you have a bubble bath and you shape the bubbles all around your head? I want it like that.
said: If you could take some of the width off, that’d be great.
heard: If you could make it hard for me to appear in public, that’d be great.
said: Of course it isn’t okay — you’ve disfigured me beyond repair. I look like a mushroom.
heard: That’s perfect. Take my money.
The Bizarre Behavior of 5 Year Olds.
Everyday at 1pm my two kids have a quiet time. Carter, my 1 and a half year old, goes to his crib and Austin, my 5 year old, goes to my bedroom. The rule is, they have to stay in bed for one hour. They don't have to sleep if they don't want to, but they do have to stay in bed for that one hour. Most of the time they fall asleep during this time, but not always. Sometimes Austin will start rummaging around our room and get into things he shouldn't.
After dying laughing,I quickly got him back in his own clothes. This is not a good look for him.
So the other day after hearing some noise in my room, I went in to discover this. My son was wearing one of my hats, a pair of my wool socks pulled up to his knees, and my underwear!
After dying laughing,I quickly got him back in his own clothes. This is not a good look for him.
Overheard in the Walgreens Checkout Line
An elderly woman handing her groceries to me from her basket--
"Here's my nuts."
"Here's my nuts."
Credits at the beginning of a movie.
Let me put on my counselor hat for a moment and diagnose "the director who puts credits at the beginning of a movie".
This type of person obviously hates their audience, and maybe even people in general. They enjoy causing the needless suffering of humanity by making them watch a long list of unknown people crawl at a turtle's pace down the screen before the movie begins, when they could have just as easily placed the credits at the end of the film to be viewed by anyone who cared!!!
This type of person obviously hates their audience, and maybe even people in general. They enjoy causing the needless suffering of humanity by making them watch a long list of unknown people crawl at a turtle's pace down the screen before the movie begins, when they could have just as easily placed the credits at the end of the film to be viewed by anyone who cared!!!
